I had a mind-boggling problem. One that made me depressed and would make my vision see clearly the weaknesses I have. I was frail.
On a social networking site I often spend time on, he became my friend. He messages every now and then and I found myself being interested at his playfulness. He was being a boy and his manner of being like that amused me. He, indeed, was witty. I liked it and I started liking him. At that time, I was in need of some sort of a distraction. I was so glad he came along. He made me giggle at almost anything and he made me feel good about myself. I have grown to be independent yet I wanted to cling on to someone emotionally at that stage. He was the perfect one. The way that he would pay attention to me when I told him something made me feel like I was the only person who existed. It felt good.
Keeping in mind the fact that we weren’t acquainted long enough and putting into perspective my paranoia, I had trust issues with him, yet they were not important enough. I just felt like I could trust him. I based it all on my emotions so I shared what was bothering me. I told him everything and he just listened. He never said something that was hinting on instructing me how to deal with matters. He just wanted to hear me out. Never did he make me feel any less. He never judged me. And to top it all off, when I did not expect him to be, he became my ally and would dislike anything(regardless of the worth) that would show even the slightest sign of making me feel down. At that point, I considered him my hero.
He was everything I dreamed of and even more. He was insightful, sweet and well-mannered. Sources have told me he was handsome too. By those characteristics alone, it would not be hard to fall under his spell. It was easy, and even easier because he showed me incomparable attention. I knew I was drawn to him.
In time, we had something going on. Neither would admit it but both of us definitely knew. I knew he liked me, too. I could feel it. I was certain. I was glad that someone like him would even notice me, but for him to like me, I was in bliss. There were times that I just wanted to let go of myself and just tell him of my feelings for him but it never happened. It was not because I had pride. It was both because, I was afraid of taking a risk, and also, because, I still could not grasp that he really happened. I just went with the flow.
It didn’t take long for him to profess though, and I was the happiest girl in the entire world.
He was perfect. He never gave me problems. The only thing worrying me is that I haven’t met him yet. It was just a virtual relationship. It was too much virtual. Not even phonecalls. It bothered me a bit, but it didn’t freak me out or anything like that. After all, the relatonship is new.
Months went by and I still haven’t met him. I told him that it did bother me a whole lot now. It bothers me more knowing we aren’t even continents away and he still could not see me. He had his own reasons saying he just does not want to go out and if ever he did go out, it would be to see me and I believed him. I believed in him. His words are still the only ones that could lift me up and I considered myself lucky so I told myself to just stop whining.
More months went by and I still haven’t met him. It did not just bother me. It freaked me out. I was uncertain if he truly cared about me or about how I would feel. We would have arguments almost everytime. Yes, virtual. And more and more, I felt like I just stopped believing in him.
Word got to me one day that he was with his Highschool friends the other night. It scared me so I confronted him. But he denied it. And calmly. And even made most of my worries go away. He was still the only one who could do that. He had powers over me.
My worries, well most of them, had gone away but there were still some left. So I started my research. I looked him up online. Imagine my horror when I found out that he was active socially. There were pictures of him with his friends and more! He said he never went out and there he was. I messaged him to let him know that I found out.
My world crashed down. I was crushed. All those times, I would choose to be with him no matter how virtual. My own life has been stopped for him and he just lied. All my whinings which I thought were just whines made sense. So I deleted everything in my world that had to do with him. I ignored his messages.
The day after that, I got a message from him admitting that he really did lie to me, apologizing and asking if I could let him explain, then he would meet me. Thinking I had nothing to lose, I gave him that chance.
I felt stupid though when he told me the truth.
He was a girl.
I’m like that is not even acceptable. Are you sure?
S/he was sure. I met the person face to face and it was a moment where everything started to make sense yet still I could not digest all things so easily.
But I eventually did accept that fact. I had no choice but to go ahead with life. It is depressing knowing I became true to someone and that kind way could not be returned to me. I expected a whole lot, and even put aside everything and everyone else for something that turned out to be just a hoax. It is disappointing. It is depressing, but I know better than to be consumed by that state of emotion. I had to live again.
And it starts now.
