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Side II

I had a mind-boggling problem. One that made me depressed and would make my vision see clearly the weaknesses I have. I was frail.

On a social networking site I often spend time on, he became my friend. He messages every now and then and I found myself being interested at his playfulness. He was being a boy and his manner of being like that amused me. He, indeed, was witty. I liked it and I started liking him. At that time, I was in need of some sort of a distraction. I was so glad he came along. He made me giggle at almost anything and he made me feel good about myself. I have grown to be independent yet I wanted to cling on to someone emotionally at that stage. He was the perfect one. The way that he would pay attention to me when I told him something made me feel like I was the only person who existed. It felt good.

Keeping in mind the fact that we weren’t acquainted long enough and putting into perspective my paranoia, I had trust issues with him, yet they were not important enough. I just felt like I could trust him. I based it all on my emotions so I shared what was bothering me. I told him everything and he just listened. He never said something that was hinting on instructing me how to deal with matters. He just wanted to hear me out. Never did he make me feel any less. He never judged me. And to top it all off, when I did not expect him to be, he became my ally and would dislike anything(regardless of the worth) that would show even the slightest sign of making me feel down. At that point, I considered him my hero.

He was everything I dreamed of and even more. He was insightful, sweet and well-mannered. Sources have told me he was handsome too. By those characteristics alone, it would not be hard to fall under his spell. It was easy, and even easier because he showed me incomparable attention. I knew I was drawn to him.

In time, we had something going on. Neither would admit it but both of us definitely knew. I knew he liked me, too. I could feel it. I was certain. I was glad that someone like him would even notice me, but for him to like me, I was in bliss. There were times that I just wanted to let go of myself and just tell him of my feelings for him but it never happened. It was not because I had pride. It was both because, I was afraid of taking a risk, and also, because, I still could not grasp that he really happened. I just went with the flow.

It didn’t take long for him to profess though, and I was the happiest girl in the entire world.

He was perfect. He never gave me problems. The only thing worrying me is that I haven’t met him yet. It was just a virtual relationship. It was too much virtual. Not even phonecalls. It bothered me a bit, but it didn’t freak me out or anything like that. After all, the relatonship is new.

Months went by and I still haven’t met him. I told him that it did bother me a whole lot now. It bothers me more knowing we aren’t even continents away and he still could not see me. He had his own reasons saying he just does not want to go out and if ever he did go out, it would be to see me and I believed him. I believed in him. His words are still the only ones that could lift me up and I considered myself lucky so I told myself to just stop whining.

More months went by and I still haven’t met him. It did not just bother me. It freaked me out. I was uncertain if he truly cared about me or about how I would feel. We would have arguments almost everytime. Yes, virtual. And more and more, I felt like I just stopped believing in him.

Word got to me one day that he was with his Highschool friends the other night. It scared me so I confronted him. But he denied it. And calmly. And even made most of my worries go away. He was still the only one who could do that. He had powers over me.

My worries, well most of them, had gone away but there were still some left. So I started my research. I looked him up online. Imagine my horror when I found out that he was active socially.  There were pictures of him with his friends and more! He said he never went out and there he was. I messaged him to let him know that I found out.

My world crashed down. I was crushed. All those times, I would choose to be with him no matter how virtual. My own life has been stopped for him and he just lied. All my whinings which I thought were just whines made sense. So I deleted everything in my world that had to do with him. I ignored his messages.

The day after that, I got a message from him admitting that he really did lie to me, apologizing and asking if I could let him explain, then he would meet me. Thinking I had nothing to lose, I gave him that chance.

I felt stupid though when he told me the truth.

He was a girl.

I’m like that is not even acceptable. Are you sure?

S/he was sure. I met the person face to face and it was a moment where everything started to make sense yet still I could not digest all things so easily.

But I eventually did accept that fact. I had no choice but to go ahead with life. It is depressing knowing I became true to someone and that kind way could not be returned to me. I expected a whole lot, and even put aside everything and everyone else for something that turned out to be just a hoax. It is disappointing. It is depressing, but I know better than to be consumed by that state of emotion. I had to live again.

And it starts now.

Side II

I have problems. I was not doing well in any aspect and I wanted something out of this world.

Before, I had tried pretending to be somebody else just to get some attention. I pretended to be a gorgeous guy. A guy whom I might say is the coolest person in the world. I did not know him personally but I know him. I have heard of him. I pretended to be him one time until it got boring. When I wanted to stop pretending, I could easily do so. And I did.

But not for long.

I started to be at it again and tricked some other girl into liking me. She was the perfect victim because she was troubled at that time and I could easily lure her. I knew it would work and it did. It was just for play but I admit, I did as much as I could to make it work without faults. I made my pretense self perfect but not too perfect to not be believable. Any flaws I made my other self have are cute flaws. I made sure of that.

Things got out of hand though when I started to realize she was falling inlove with a fake. I felt the guilt of doing bad things to other people but I still went with the flow. I did not want to go back and face my reality. I was selfish. She did like the other me in an intimate sense and I made her like me even more. I did as much as I could. I became sweet. I made her the center of my attention. I told her what she wanted to hear and more.

I told her many secrets, even embarrassing ones to make her be close to me. I told her my secrets(some were real) so she would, in turn, tell me hers, working to earn her trust. I wanted to earn her trust, then earn her.

There were times, I felt like I could no longer keep on doing it because it made me feel bad. Bad meaning I’m an evil person and bad meaning it’s bad for me. And bad, because she was a great person and she was great to me. Besides, I spend too much and I never get to do anything for myself anymore. I mean, I had a life, too. I missed out on alot of things all because I pretended to be someone else. But I could not stop.

I wanted to but telling her the truth isn’t something I would do. I was not going to take the fall. And breaking up with her would make her feel like she isn’t good enough for such a perfect guy. It will make her think she’s a lousy person and that noone cares about her. One way or the other, I could not stop it. So I left it in fate’s hands. Come what may. I was thinking, too, that sooner or later, she will be busy with other matters than to focus on me. She will forget about me in time.

But she never did. Things got even deeper no matter how virtual what we had is.

I felt pathetic. I made someone really fall inlove. I felt more pathetic when there was no other option of getting out of the life I pretended to have than to let her hear the truth and admit that I’m somewhat a psycho. Do I really have to tell her the truth?

I asked myself that alot of times and never had an answer.

Eventually, she found out. She did her research. And I, well, uhm, told her the truth.

“I just fooled you. I’m not even a guy. Everything was a fantasy.”

I thought it ends there though, but it does not. When I thought I was just playing around, I actually felt the pang when it was over. At some point there, she became the only person I would discuss anything with and so now, I just feel empty. And I’m not supposed to feel empty. Sure, I still want to have her presence but that’s not my call. Besides, I really need to focus on myself first. I need to find myself and know what I truly want. And to do so, I have to distinguish what is real from what is make-believe. I will have to accept myself and accept my reality.

As for her, all I could do is just apologize for everything wasted. I could not be sorry enough because I could not undo the past. I messed up so many things in her life including the way she would see things now, but I could not do more. Noone else would straighten things but herself. I just wish her the best of things. It does not matter if she already forgave me, for I still owe her. Alot.

My Score

 

I applied for this job. I was not qualified though because I had no experience in the trade, but I was given an exam for a free training. If I ace  the exam, I would not spend for the training. All I had to do was show and voila, free training! In order to avail of the free training, you have to get a score of 80% or above on the exam they will give you.

 

Well, I took the exam and the silliest exam score is mine. I got 79%.

 

I joined

I joined DFC. and I can’t wait for it to start already! I’m too excited.

 

http://projectdfc.deviantart.com/

… But it’s hard to stay mad, when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst… And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.

American Beauty

I’ve heard that it’s possible to grow up. I’ve just never met anyone who’s actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don’t go our way. We whisper secrets with our best friend in the dark. We look for comfort where we can find it. And we hope against all logic, against all experience, like children, we never give up hope.

Grey’s Anatomy

Lying is bad. Or so we are told constantly from birth—honesty is the best policy, the truth shall set you free, I chopped down the cherry tree, whatever. The fact is, lying is a necessity. We lie to ourselves because the truth, the truth freaking hurts.

Grey’s Anatomy

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about taking chances. And how it’s really just about overcoming your fears. Because the truth is, every time you take a big risk in your life, no matter how it ends up, you’re always glad you took it.

Scrubs

I can’t help but remember everything. I mean, you see somebody and you think about all they’ve ever said and done. The good and the bad. It all comes back to you, and it feels so right and hurts so bad all at once.

Unknown

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.

If it is important enough to you, you will find a way. If it is not, you will find an excuse.

—     Unknown

Learn to value yourself, which means: fight for your happiness.

—     Ayn Rand

 

 

source: http://littlemiss.tumblr.com

I just am

I’m sad and it’s stupid because I just can’t be because it’s making me lifeless and I have to stop thinking about what makes me sad because it won’t do me any good but I still do and it’s silly. I am just sad.

 

It will be my brother’s birthday on Monday and I have 2 days to make him something. I have no idea but I’ll think of something. =)
He annoys the life out of me alot. He’s inconsiderate and is just a total know-it-all. But hey, he’s still my brother. He is nice and sweet too, sometimes, very sometimes. And that makes up for things, I guess.

 

Goal

I just watching Goal: The Dream Begins, Living The Dream, and Taking on The World. It’s a trilogy or should I say, not really? The introductory movie, The Dream Begins is really good. The story is realistic and inspiring about Santiago Muñez, a mexican boy who loved football more than anything. He wanted to play proffesional and he struggled with the ups and downs of trying. He struggled and he became victorious. The sequel, Living The Dream, is really good, too. He is already playing for New Castle and he is experiencing the life of a celebrity. He had money and fame. At some point, he forgot to keep his feet on the ground so he got in trouble. The last of the 3 movies, Taking on The World, is just not right. The story of it is not bad but it’s just not right. The previous two Goals were about the life of Santiago Muñez. I was expecting it to stay that way but it didn’t. Bummer. So the Goal trilogy is not so much of a trilogy. It did not end. I’m thinking that there will be a goal 4??

 

I have only experienced going to a cemetery every November 1 since 2003. Never had I thought of it as a time for family. It’s only this year that I realized that.
My family went there at around 6 in the evening. We brought a tent, food(of course), chairs, tables, a blanket, a portable tv, and a radio. My niece also brought her mini chessboard and we were lying upon my dad’s tomb and played while the rest of my family either talked or watched tv. It is like camping out in the open which I never did before with them. It felt nice. ♥
It wasn’t just us though. There were like millions. Ok that’s exaggerating. It seemed like it, though. The cemetery was filled with too many people. Our neighbor in the cemetery(why does it sound funny?) was present, just like last year and my family and theirs developed somehow a friendship. One member of their family was talking to my sisters like she can’t stop. I can overhear so even I know her entire life story now.
We went home sometime at midnight and that was that. Til next year.

 

 

In Times of Fire

 

I read the newspaper. Yesterday, at around 2 in the morning, a fire started that left 16 dead. The fire happened in our city. November 2, 2009- All Souls’ Day. That information alone is bad enough for the people here because there are barely any catastrophic events here in our city. That is bad. As I read through that story, it crushed me when it reached this part: “6 charred bodies were found that appeared to be hugging each other.”
That is sad, really. I don’t mean to be morbid but I can’t help imagining if I were in that situation. That is probably the worst way to die, in my opinion; get burned. I don’t want to get burned. Well yeah, who does? :D

 

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